


We rise and we fall

by PlanetaryMusical



Category: The Orville (TV)
Genre: Drama, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:14:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28431498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlanetaryMusical/pseuds/PlanetaryMusical
Summary: Ed is struggling with himself in the aftermath of the Kaylon battle.Inspired by"Wait for it" from Hamilton
Relationships: Kelly Grayson/Ed Mercer
Comments: 5
Kudos: 5





	We rise and we fall

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Blues in the Night](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18007472) by [Clez](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clez/pseuds/Clez). 



Life doesn't discriminate  
Between the sinners and the saints  
It takes and it takes and it takes  
And we keep living anyway  
We rise and we fall  
And we break  
And we make our mistakes  
And if there's a reason I'm still alive  
When so many have died  
Then I'm willin' to  
Wait for it 

_Hamilton_

  
"Ed! Ed wait!"   
Kelly headed down the hallway, eager to catch up with the man who didn't seem to think about stopping in his tracks any time soon. Despite her being in good shape, he was giving her a hard time, as if the temper drawing through his body had fueled him to double speed.   
"Ed, please!" 

"Go back in there, Kel."   
Not even turning around he kept heading down the endless, brightly lighted path that was rimmed with the same silver-grey doorways on each side before he took the next corner abruptly, her following all along. 

"Forget it, Ed! Not without you!", she hissed, finally closing up to him. She reached out to his arm. 

  
"Leave me alone, Kel!", he barked, flinching away from her grip like a furious child from his mother's hand. He could not bare with her touch now. 

"No, damnit, I won't, Ed!", she bit back just as they passed through a large doorway that opened automatically. 

Dead end.   
One of the glass-faced balconies that marked the back side of the building.   
Getting them to end their chase, eventually. 

Kelly gasped as she watched him walk over to the balustrades, slowly, calm, in weird contrary to the pace he had shown just seconds before.   
Still breathing sharply he closed his fingers around the cold metal rod, his dark eyes narrowing, adapting to the sudden ray of sunlight that touched his face until his gaze came to linger on a spot of green. 

Central Park.   
New York City.   
Earth. 

  
It had been months since his last visit. All being out on their missions all over the galaxies, the fleet captains and senior members barely got to assemble here at Union Central, if it wasn't for an urgent council meeting or a serious debate about another species joining the Union.   
This time, it was neither of those occasions. This time, it was a memorial.   
To commemorate and honor those who had lost their lives in the Kaylon attack. 

He had come here with Kelly, had kept himself up in the manner of a captain he had been called to be, straight back and dutiful face, had sat through the eulogies and readings of the names, too many names, every single one like another pinch in his chest. 

_Captain Anthony Marcos, USS Roosevelt, 53._  
_Ensign Jared Lynch, USS Orville, 21._

Two names hurting even more intensely, making him hold his breath. He wouldn't have dared to let anything show. 

Just as he had thought he'd made it through, the tension in his lungs seeming to ease with every shallow breath he'd taken, he'd seen Admiral Halsey stepping forward to speak.

"In our thoughts and memories, we will honor them all, may their lives and deaths be indestructible signs of comradeship and faith in the unity that we stand for. A unity, that still exists and that has proved itself in this battle, through the unconditional commitment of the people gathered here today, some of them in extraordinary ways that we should not fail to acknowledge." 

Ed's eyes being pinned on the man speaking right in front of him, he'd seen him take the dark wooden box from under the podium, the symbol of a sapphire blue star unmistakably engraved on the lid. 

"May I ask Captain Ed Mercer of the USS Orville to come forward?"

Already hearing his name like from a far, Ed had seemed to work on autopilot like not being himself, his head just shaking, before his feet had taken him towards the exit of the council hall without so much of a single gaze back. 

Kelly hadn't needed more than a small reassuring nod from Halsey to be heading after Ed just a second later. Though it hadn't been more than a blink of the eye, she couldn't have unnoticed the look of the admiral's face.   
Grief. And understanding.   
Though being the eldest in the admiralty, he wasn't blind. And he wasn't unknowing.   
He'd read all the reports, he'd heard about everything that had happened, everything that the Orville and its staff had gone through. He knew. And being close to Kelly and to Ed personally like no other of the admirals, he'd felt, that it would have been wrong to show Ed off at this point in time. But it was part of the event. And even he had to follow the rules of the union. 

Kelly came closer, half step only. Her eyes on Ed, she recognised his face mirroring in the glass of the window. He looked so different in daylight. Older? Maybe. But she liked it. She liked how he looked in the light of New York's setting sun. 

She swiped the thought away like a crumb on a bookpage. Unnecessary. Inappropriate. 

She took another half step forward. 

"Ed, come back with me." 

He turned around in an instant, rushing up to her, only the small metal bench between them as he raised his voice to the level he'd come from.   
So much for him having calmed down. She'd known he hadn't. He'd just taken a breath. 

"Why me? How can they do that? How do I deserve an award for practically doing nothing, nothing but mistakes? How am I to be honored for something that's actually my fault? Isaac was part of my crew, I let him study us and got him information, I took him to Kaylon to get him fixed, I confronted the Kaylons with their buried past, I was responsible! For all of this, Kelly!"

"That's not true, you didn't do just nothing and you couldn't know what was lying ahead, you didn't see this coming!"

"But I should have!"  
He couldn't keep standing still as he spoke, stepping to the window front and back into the room constantly. 

"No, Ed, and you know that is bullshit, you couldn't ever have the chance to see that! Besides, Isaac turned against his people! He was different, he saved us! Because we made him become different. You made him!"

"God... Kelly! Damnit... It still happened... And I made decisions that I..."   
He came to a halt close to the bench, panting, pain written across his face as he lowered his voice.

"People died, Kel. Because of decisions I made. You can't talk that down." 

No, she couldn't. She'd tried. She had tried to talk to him, over and over again, right after everything had happened, in the following days, on their way here. He had given her a cold shoulder. He had shown her that he didn't want to talk, didn't want to hear again that he just have had no chance against the Kaylons when they'd taken over the ship and that she would have reacted the same way and made the same decisions in order to believe they would have been right.

So she had let it down. She'd thought he just needed the time, he needed to deal with it by himself first. Though she'd dearly hoped for him to come and talk to her, that he would trust her. It just had hurt her to see him like that. It still hurt now. 

  
"You know, what I think about that. But no matter what, there's no way to bring them back. There's no way to erase what has happened. But not everyone was killed. Many, many lives of all species have been saved. They could've been lost too, Ed. But they are not. They are alive. Because of you, because you did, what you could. And I think it's no coincidence that you are still alive, there's a reason that -"

"Oh, no, Kel, I don't believe in that shit of reason and fate, don't give me that."

"But you believe in guilt and 'not deserving'. Where's the difference?"

"That's totally a difference, it's... I... Damnit."

Kelly sighed, as she let herself down on the bench, her hand on his arm as she moved him to sit by her side. She couldn't unsee the tiredness in his eyes. On his face. In his body. He was so tired. 

"Ed... I think you just can't understand it. Can't understand why. So you think, you don't deserve it to be here, that you don't deserve a reason for it. And I can feel that. And I really would love to convince you, to give you that reason, but I can't. I just know, there has to be one. And I know one thing for sure: that I'm glad you are still here. And I'm glad that I am still here. With you."

"Kel, I'm glad you are here, too. I couldn't stand it if you weren't... If anything had happened to you."

  
She could hear the battle he was fighting with his voice to keep it steady. 

"Same goes for me. Ed..."   
She took his hand in hers, leaning in.  
"We are here. And I refuse to believe that it is for no reason."

She only could catch him into her arms as he couldn't keep it up any longer. Sobbing he clawed to her like drowning in a flood, knowing that she was the only person where he'd allow himself to let go of everything, the only one he could show his tears. She'd seen them fall long before. 

She had to admit that it hurt, seeing it all breaking out of him now. But it was also relieving. For she knew, it needed to break. It was time.

So she didn't say anything. She just let her hands stroke above his back and shoulder blades, soothing, calming, until she felt his sobs fading. 

  
"What should I do now, Kel? How will I go on?", he whispered as he leaned back. 

"You will go on being captain of the Orville." 

"How? With all those pictures in my head, day and night?"   
He closed his eyes, remembering the way that he felt during the last days, every time he'd sat down in his chair on the bridge, just looking out of the front window, terrified that the next thing he'd see was a ship exploding. The fateful last words he'd said to Marcos haunting him in his dreams. He hadn't even been able to walk by that damn air lock without flinching.  
Ed lifted his head, his blurry eyes looking straight into hers.   
"Tell me, how?"

"You know, I'm there for you. I'll always be. But I think, you should see Dr Pelman. You know that Halsey announced sending fleet psychologists to the ships to offer counselling for everyone in need. And I know Dean Pelman from a study mission. He's really good. We literally get the best. It will take time but I'm sure he can help you."

"Oh, Kel, you know, I'm not much into those couch guys."

Kelly smirked about this Ed-like snarky comment, though a little painfully. She knew about Ed's bad experiences with professional help as a child.

"Yes, I know. But he's really a good one. Promise. And you can just keep sitting on a chair. I'm sure he's fine with that." 

"Okay."  
The corner of his mouth lifted lightly, though it was hard to count it a smile before he dropped his gaze again. 

  
"I just... I just want to be a captain who can keep his ship safe. And everyone around."

  
"Ed... There's no one who can keep everyone and everything safe. That's just not possible. All we can do, is to do our part."

He just could look at her, unable to reply. She squeezed his hand.

"We know, that the work we do does not guarantee our safety. Every day that we wake up, we know, it could be our last. We've known that before the first bar was on our shoulders.   
But we're still here. We still wake up and do what we do.   
And I know, until that one day comes, I want to spend every single one at your side. With you as my captain."

He still couldn't do anything but holding her gaze as her words flooded him with a feeling of comfort he hadn't felt in a while. She smiled as she clasped his hand tighter. 

How could it be, that he was lucky to have her in his life? That she sat there now, holding his hand, speaking those words and having his back, after all that had happened in their past. There had to be a bond between them, a bond that had survived it all, a bond stronger than absence and neglect, selfishness and pride, stronger than pain and disappointment, loneliness and infidelity. A bond that had made him unable to hate her, to get over her, no matter how hard he'd tried. He couldn't let her down. And she had shown him, over and over again, as she did right now, that she would not let him down either. Never. 

"Come back with me. I don't think Halsey will make you take that star if you don't want it. But let's go back, for the others. We can keep standing by the exit." 

"We?" 

"We." 

She smiled. He smiled in return. 

  
****

Ed placed the frame on his desk. Kelly had suggested to hang it on the side wall, but he'd decided for the desk. It was a good place for it, between the Kermit figure and the wooden model of the Wright aeroplane. 

He leaned back as he looked at the star-shaped medal behind the glass. 

Halsey had given it to him personally on his visit to the ship yesterday, two months from the memorial at Union Central. No audience. Just the two of them, talking for a long time. It had felt good to know that the admiral cared about how he was keeping up. And Ed had to say, that he felt better, still in progress, but better. Kelly had been right about Pelman. The counselling was helping. And he was fine with Ed sitting on a chair. 

He looked at the line of words he'd personally written on the blue satin ribbon of the medal as he'd framed it, for him to remind him, that he would get up every day, to be the best captain he could be.   
Fighting, failing, falling, rising again.   
Going on.   
For there had to be a reason, that he was still here. 

He looked at his face reflecting on the glass and smiled as he touched the letters fondly. 

  
**_Wait for it._**

**Author's Note:**

> Acknowledgements: 
> 
> This story I actually had in mind for a long time. Since I've watched "Identity" for the first time, I have wondered how Ed might have felt after it all. After the decisions he made that resulted in other people losing their lives, no matter if it really was his fault or not. I believe it wasn't, he had the best intentions but just had no chance against the Kaylons actions.  
> Still, for me there was always something missing in that story. I would have wanted the show to give some more space for grief and insights into the characters minds. How they deal with it all.  
> When I found Clez' story "Blues in the night" I was like: "Omg, finally! Finally someone bringing it up!" I love that story, like all stories of her in this fandom and can highly recommend it.  
> But because it's so good, it took me a long time to write this because I was scared to be seen like a copycat, that I stole the idea of it, of the scene, the pairing interaction. So I gave it up first, though I had the wish to write it, though I had Kelly's words in my head already and it only could be her to say them. I tried it out in my head to let someone else be in her place, like Gordon or Claire, but it didn't work. It was Kelly. It needed to be her with him.
> 
> So, as it is the same issue Ed's dealing with here and the same characters interacting, there might be similarities to Clez story. But I hope by changing the setting completely, I've made it to tell my own. It's very important to me to do that. I don't want to copy anything, especially nothing from such a great author like Clez.
> 
> Another thing:  
> Maybe you wondered why Ed is so depressed here, while on the show at the end of the episode he's so confident and takes responsibility for Isaac asking Halsey to let him keep Isaac on the ship. 
> 
> Well, I first wasn't sure if it's out of character maybe. But when I think about how ptsd develops (or when), it still makes sense.
> 
> At the end of the episode, I see Ed still being on a kind of survival level, so close after the attack. He needs to function, he did not find the time or wasn't willing to give himself any opportunity to calm down and let it all sink in. I imagine this happening later, when he's back on the Orville, maybe after having his first nightmare. His first flashback or hallucination. Ptsd develops individually. Sometimes victims don't show any issues for weeks or months after a traumatic event, then all of a sudden they do, in several ways, caused by a trigger or even none at all. It just happens. Very often they try to hide it all, deny the symptoms they suffer from, try to stay strong while it only gets worse.
> 
> That's what I see happening in Ed here. He tries to keep his head up and refuses Kelly's attempts to talk until it breaks. Until it needs to.  
> I included another psychologist to help him, as I don't see Claire being up to do that for she's way to involved personally.


End file.
